I feel like I am drowning in a small, shallow pool of filthy water. I want to scream, but it would only hasten the inevitable end. There is no use in kicking or thrashing, there is no one to come and help.
The only time I really feel the desire to cause myself physical pain is when I am so frustrated I start to shake. Somehow the pain becomes something real and solid, something I can grasp and embrace. The tension that has built up in me finds release in the flow of blood. It gives me something to focus on, other than the thing outside me I can not grasp or fix or partake in.
I walked into that room this evening hoping I would come to understanding and increase knowledge. But there was nothing, mindless drivel. Is it my own stupidity??? Am I just not able to understand what is being said, how it applies to anything? How it is supposed to illuminate the material?

No, I did not actually harm myself... there is a reason I do not yet own a knife....